I Am Not a Child

This may come as a surprise to some, but I am a grown-ass woman. I have been adulting for the better part of 27 years with moderate success and have managed to keep a child alive into his teenage years. By most standards I can make reasoned, logical decisions with little to no help.

I am not a child.

I worked for a wonderful company for 13 years, making my way up the ladder due to good performance and proven results. I could work with minimal oversight and was trusted to enact impactful solutions to complex problems.

I am not a child.

I am a team player. No matter how stressed I get at work, no matter how busy I am, I am always willing to help a coworker. If it is within my skill set or ability I’m all in – and I’m also willing to step out of my comfort zone to learn something new.

I am not a child.

I offer help to all who need it. Need a dog-sitter? I’m it. Help with your lawn? Count me in. Painting your house? I’m here with my brush. Can I return your shopping cart to the store, elderly lady? Done. I have never had a “not-my-job” attitude and never will.

I am not a child.

I do not know everything. There are lots of times that I must learn a process, or a procedure, or take direction from others to complete a task effectively. I have no problem humbling myself to ask for help in work or personal situations. I love to learn and want to know EVERYTHING I can to be a helpful member of society.

I AM NOT A F%@KING CHILD.

Because I am not a child, I would like to respectfully ask that I am not treated as one. Do not belittle me to make yourself feel more powerful. Do not speak to me in “that tone.” Do not use capital letters or bolded words to get your point across (I am also not a moron). If you have an issue with me, please approach me with the respect I deserve, not hide behind passive aggressive behavior. Do not go behind my back with petty complaints and rude words.

I am not a child, but you are acting like one.

I’m sorry if you are insecure in your position in the world. It stinks that you are unhappy and feel like everyone else should be just as miserable as you are. Too bad you aren’t able to find it in yourself to be kind and helpful. I can’t help it if I annoy you with my presence, and you are unable to handle your feelings. I am far from perfect, and it’s a bummer you spend so much of your time proving this fact.

I am not a child. Maybe you’re the one who needs to grow up.

My Favorite Judge

If you ask Jameson what show I watch the most, he’ll tell you immediately that it’s Judge Judy. I am on YouTube every day watching old episodes of my favorite judge of all time. I am absolutely obsessed.

Judge Judy is the most sassy, honest, and spunky spitfire I know. She is so frickin’ mean, and I love every second of it, and there have been times when I’ve said out loud, “You go, Judy.” She is my spirit animal, and my greatest wish is to be able to give people unending amounts of shit just like her. She is badass.

Forget kindergarten… everything I’ve learned I learned from Judge Judy.

·       “If it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t true.”

o   Ain’t that the frackin’ truth. I feel like every day, in both small and large ways, people are being bamboozled. People are always trying to ram information down our throats, but guess what? If it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t true. (I’m talking to you, Donald Trump, mainstream media, my crazy coworker, and my son.)

·       “Put on your listening ears.”

o   This quote from Judge Judy is pure gold. How in the hell are we supposed to learn anything about anything unless we listen before we speak? We should practice active listening every single day of our lives, in every conversation we have. I’ll admit, active listening is REALLY HARD, and something I’m consistently learning and practicing.

·       “How do you know a teenager is lying? When they open their mouths.”

o   Oh, Judy. You are my QUEEN. There are so many episodes of parents standing next to their kids, finding out that their sweet little angel had lied through their teeth. If you are a parent who thinks your teen is 100% truthful with you, you are probably delusional. “But Erin, I’m close with my kids!” “Shoot Erin, my kid would never dare lie to me!” BULLSHIT. Get over yourself. I adore my son, I think he’s wonderful, and we are about as close as can be, but I still don’t trust everything that leaves his mouth.

·       “Don’t speak unless I’m speaking to you.”

o   Dang, this one is hard, especially at work. I am a huge offender of this because I LOVE TO INTERRUPT. I really am the absolute worst. Over the last several years, I’ve been learning the art of shutting the f*$k up, writing notes, and only speaking when I have a valuable contribution to the conversation, or if I’m asked a direct question. Seriously folks, I’m really bad at this, but I try every day.

·       “Beauty fades, dumb is forever.”

o   Don’t be dumb. Don’t make stupid decisions. Don’t think you can get by on charm forever or looks alone. Think before you act. Be kind. Be a good human.

Here are some other Judge Judy Gems:

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to have a good memory.”

“If you were the trophy at the end of my race, I would walk backwards.”

“Does it look like I have stupid written across my forehead?”

“Ummmm is not an answer.”

“On your best day you’re not as smart as me on my worst day.”

“Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting.”

Judge Judy’s job was to entertain. She was paid to be blunt, and she definitely earned her money. JJ didn’t sugar coat anything, she only gave respect when it was due, and she didn’t make people feel good about themselves just to be nice. When Judy was on the bench, she was fair. She abhorred deadbeat parents, liars, and “bums” of every gender, age, and color. I know Judge Judy is far from perfect, but she certainly doled out some great advice in her time.

Judge Judy was absolutely ruthless (which I find horrifyingly delightful).

I’m pretty sure we can all pick and choose delicious nuggets of knowledge from my favorite judge. Check her out on YouTube. You’re welcome.

Before and After

Do you all remember that punishing exercise routine, P90X, that was all the rage not too long ago? The program involves training 6 days per week for a minimum of 1 hour per day. This is exercise to the extreme, which was sold to every Average Joe in the early 2000’s. Thinking back, this seems ridiculous, as the routine is not for “starters.” A lot of extremely hopeful individuals went from zero to P90 in mere days and nearly broke themselves.

My favorite comedian talks about this very thing. He bought the DVD’s based on what he thought was the “after picture,” which turned out to be the “before.” He was looking at himself and thinking that the “before” looked pretty good to him and seemed within his reach. His comments are funny and sad at the same time because they are so true. A lot of us look at the promised results, the true “after” pictures, and if we’re really honest with ourselves, those results are nearly unattainable. Isn’t it more realistic to try to look better, rather than look like a fitness model? Or be healthy, rather than skin and bones?

This whole situation troubles me. For too long I’ve compared myself to how I looked in high school (which was damn good), in the hope that by some stroke of divine intervention I would get back to that slim and trim hottie I once was. I realize that thought is complete bullshit. There is no way in hell I’m ever going to wear a size 2 again.

That is the “after.” I need to concentrate on the “before.”

It doesn’t mean I can’t try to get back to my skinny roots – it just means that my goals need to be more realistic. Getting super-slim would be an unexpected pleasure.

I’m not going to be funnier or more charming when I lose weight. I’m not going to suddenly be more generous and delightful. (To be clear, I am already all of those things, obvs.) I won’t instantly be richer, happier, and more successful when I shed some pounds, BUT I WILL BE HEALTHIER. I will be able to play basketball with Jameson, hike with Becky, finish the Barry Roubaix course, and maybe even have sex again. (TMI.)

I made some big mistakes a couple of years ago. I went from zero to P90 in a matter of days. I didn’t literally buy the program, but I rushed right into some high intensity exercise and activities with my friends. I was constantly comparing myself to them all, even though they were all professional and / or accomplished athletes. I was down on myself because I couldn’t walk as far, I couldn’t bike as long, and I couldn’t swim as fast. I completely sabotaged myself and forgot all about how to enjoy just spending time getting healthy and being with my mates. It was really stupid, very immature, and completely unrealistic. I ended up burned out, fed up, and thoroughly defeated. What a waste.

I think I’ve gotten a bit smarter these days, so…

If you see my walking slowly down the River Walk, feel free to honk. If you catch me on my bike meandering on the Paul Henry, say hello as you fly by. I’ll catch up, or I won’t, but I’ll enjoy my own pace.